Hey June

What a month! I barely know what to start with.

So, next month is my hyster-versary. It's been one year already! I wish I could say I'm doing okay but with the endo possibly back and the ovary not functioning plus a cyst it's been hard to swallow it all. This time around I'm refusing surgery, I'm going to do what I can without the cutting apart my insides. My doctor described endo as cancer. He said because it grows and spreads and endo has nerves and such. So crazy to see it like that. My mental state has changed so much this past year. I'm more open with everything and I say it like it is. I won't settle for less than I deserve in life and even if it means I will fly solo forever so be it. I know what I want and if they find me they find me. I'm not looking for someone to save me, I've saved myself many times. I just want someone to be real. That's the thing about pain, it changes everything.

I will say I'm grateful to those that have stuck around and been there for me. I am lucky for that. I am also grateful to be finally getting away. I may be a little self conscious about my fat ass in a bathing suit but whatever. I won't be seeing these people after vacation and to be honest I just want to get some sun, clear my head, flirt with some cute guys, and drink. I deserve that. So this time next week I will be sunning it up.. I will say life is getting there. Some speed bumps on the way but I keep on driving over those fuckers..

Let's see how the rest of the month rolls out.. keep it classy!

The struggle continues

I haven't felt this low in a long time. I can't believe my body is trying to yet again kill me. You figure with my stomach is knots and not being able to keep much stuff down that I would be losing weight. Yesterday I had the endo bloat which resulted in me looking 7 months pregnant. I finally reached out to my doctor. Everyone always says, why don't you just go see your normal doctor, or just go to the hospital. Well let me drop this down a notch. If I go to my regular doctor she will not understand Endo and make me out to be a moron. If I go to the hospital then they will again be uneducated in the disease and just push morphine. Dr. M has helped me when I have fallen down and was giving up hope so here he comes again to sweep me up. I honestly thought after the hysterectomy that this would be the end of ally problems. I can't believe how naive I was. This stupid beast is rearing it's head and attaching itself to whatever I have left. So off I will go for yet another surgery. I am a pro at this. I know this low that I am feeling will surpass, but for right now I am just exhausted. Waving the white flag....

Mind wandering

I tell you the drive home from work was very blurry. My mind went through a million thoughts as it does pretty much daily. Yes, I have more lows than highs lately and I feel so overwhelmed. The pain I felt when I was only 22 is back. The pain when I had a uterus is back. Why? What did I do to piss someone off ? Why am I dealt the shitty hand? Obviously there is not much to be done it's something I've lived with and there is not much more they can take from me. Believe me I have faked the happy face and the brave face when the pain is so intense, when the pain feels like barbed wire shredding my insides. But lately I'm done being brave and faking that I'm okay when to be honest I'm a mess inside. I can't even pee without wanting to scream because I get sharp pains shooting down my legs. Even laying here in bed being still as a corpse and it's like someone is taking a knife and repeatedly jabbing my cul-de-sac. This pain is real. This pain is endometriosis. 

On the way home I kept saying to myself I can't do this anymore I'm just done. Then this song blared over my speakers saying please don't leave quite yet. Listen, I would never kill myself so let's take that right off the table. I'm just saying I don't know how much more I can take how much pain and hurt and loss I can take. I'm out of my mind right now begging for some relief. I'm not who I was before. Pain changes you. Pain makes you bitter and cold. Yes I'm so bipolar lately and I will slap on my I'm okay face In public but it gets old real quick. I hate you endometriosis. I want my life back, I miss being allison. I miss me.

April showers...

They say April showers bring May flowers. I hope that refers to life itself. So much going on. My doctor wants me to try to have my eggs frozen before I get my ovaries removed. So I found an amazing place and want to see how much surrogacy would be because if everything with the egg retrieval goes well then I could have my own child if the price is right. So I am looking into that as well. I love how supportive my boyfriend is and the fact that he's trying to understand endometriosis. That's a huge deal. So maybe thats my may flowers.

My April showers is just life in general. I'm the type of person that lets stupid petty things bother me. Normal people would shrug stuff like that off. I on the other hand know my worth and know how hard I work. When you feel under appreciated and fed up new opportunities come forward. Even the nicest person has their breaking points.. 

The lonely hour

My heart is so heavy right now. I hate that I may have to have yet another surgery. I mean what's one more right? Yeah no. I don't want to go through it all again. With any chronic illness, you have good days and bad. I'm at the bad days right now. Also not being able to see my boyfriend for 2 weeks is just adding onto it all. I feel very alone and just emotionally drained. I am also blaming the rain for this mood swing from hell. (Sorry milli vanilli) I am all for staying positive but when your doctor calls and says we will do whatever we can to avoid surgery but I'm not sure how much more pain you can take. Well doc, I am not taking pain meds, I refuse pain meds, so therefore I can just push through. What I want is my uterus back I want it to be replaced with a healthy one. If I could have one wish that's what it would be!

Ugh

And it keeps coming back.

Well, as I knew deep down that my endo would come back, my gut was true. I also knew that my hormones were all over the place and that is because my endo has made its choice to hang out on my
Ovaries. Honestly, everything that was said to me in the last 24 hours is a blur. Bits and pieces flash forward around me and I'm left again with the pain inside my soul. My heart is shattered again. Here I go sweeping up the pieces. Surgery is a no. I can't put myself through another surgery.  I will find other ways to deal with the pain. This time is a bit scary, the dizzy spells, back pain, shooting pain down my legs, and other added bonuses. Some of which I've never experienced until now. For now my focus is on doing what I do best, pushing through the pain. I'm not this huge god person but I know there is a reason for all of this and I have yet to figure it all out, but I know he most likely knew that this was something I could handle. I just wish he would've waited until after I attempted to freeze my eggs. Which again, maybe he wanted me to adopt. I would've totally made some amazing babies in fairness. I am trying to be strong but when I am laying here alone in my dark room, that's when my thoughts start to wander. I've gone through this for a good part of my life I should be well versed in all of this. I just need to hang on tight.

8 months later and...

Here I am 8 months post op. It's crazy how time moves so quickly. I honestly think having a hysterectomy has changed me a bit. Some good and some bad. I am the same ole me but there are parts of me missing and parts I have gained back. I have a huge problem with trusting someone. I put my guard up so I don't get hurt because I feel like I give so much of myself to everyone. My heart has been destroyed and I've been used. To think back on how immature I was back then and let people walk all over me. I felt
Like I never had a voice. I am starting to get my voice back. I believe that being blatantly honest is something that you need to do especially in a relationship... yes I said relationship. It has been far too long since I've said that word. To actually open up to someone and let my guard down is a scary thing. Starting a new relationship scares the shit out of me. I don't remember what it feels like I feel like I need a handbook for something. Oh and when it comes to showing feelings or getting compliments, I can't tuck and roll fast enough. Okay maybe I'm being a little dramatic. I am starting to trust again and feel comfortable with someone. Who would've thought after the last 5 or so years that I would make it to a second date? So maybe it took having my life flipped upside down to start being who I was before. I guess the old me never left and it was always there. Sometimes we have to do what scares us and we have to let our guards down. Not every is a stupid jerk face cheater.. (see what I did there?)

So for now, let's see where the wind takes me