Hysterversary from hell

So one year ago today my life changed. I wasn't nervous I just walked in and went through the motions of giving up my chances to ever have my own children. I thought I could be strong, but lately I have hit such a wall. I keep wondering why me. I don't know what I did that was so wrong In life. I wonder where I would be now without endo. Would I be married with kids? Would I actually not have any worries? I know people try to reassure saying oh you can adopt. Please don't... because it's not the same to someone who wanted to feel someone inside their belly. The only thing I've experience is having a uterus and cervix being pulled from my vagina. I guess you can say I gave birth to my uterus. (SARCASM). I feel like I just need to escape my life. I just want to scream to be honest. Endo keeps chasing me and I just keep drowning deeper and deeper. I will say I am pretty good at acting. Especially when I come into work and just go through the motions. I honestly saw myself in a bigger better place than this. It's difficult to date, all anyone wants is sex, and no one wants to date the sick girl that sometimes can't get out of bed because the pain is too much to bear. Yes those types of men seem to exist and for some reason I attract those types. Lucky Me.

So yes, happy hysterversary. All I got out of this day is a iced tea from Starbucks and a long 8 hours of work.

33 before 33

I will get to the headline shortly, but here I am my last day being 31. This time last year I was cancelling my trip to the Dominican, and finding out I had to have a hysterectomy. Both were two huge decisions that I never wanted to really do at the time. It hasn't been an easy year. After my hysterectomy I was out of work for 6 weeks. A little over 2 weeks was unpaid so I had that going for me. I have felt off for a few months after it. There was one week where I was at home crying, I was looking at the dilauid and the Appleton estates rum and thought to myself why not? I can't have kids, I'm fat, no one want me, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and what more do I have besides Slob and Max. Well, I hit my LOWEST point. I actually was going to do it. I haven't told a soul, the only person that knows (well now the cats out of the bag) was a kind voice from the hotline I spoke to. I know I'm not the only one that has been there. Having this chronic illness can effect everything from your body to your mind to your heart. I became a hobbit for the months passing. It wasn't until this year that I actually started coming out of my shell. Yes there are times I am like FML but I will never ever try to hurt myself. I may not have a giant amount of people in my life but the few that I do have care and I would not want my cats to be homeless. The entire time I was thinking about Poppy. I thought that what would she think? How would she remember me? I know she is not my child but I care for her so much that I want to be there for her when she needs someone. Anyways that was how 31 went for me.

So to explain the whole 33 before 33 thing. I was laying around after vacation thinking that I need to do something, so I started making a bucket list of things to do before I'm 33. I took out the breaking a piece of wood with my head because I don't need any more surgeries. I just think it would be fun to do these things. After I do them I will cross them off my list. I actually just got my palm read tonight so that is off my list. Maybe I am starting a yearly tradition but whatever it may be, here's to the next year of my life, whatever it may be.

33 things to do before I'm 33- in no particular order 

1.Swim with wild pigs

2.Run a 5k

3.Go without makeup for 2 weeks 

4.Take voice lessons 

5.Skydive

6. Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle 

7.Go to Canada 

8.Get another tattoo

9.Ride in a hot air balloon

10.Knit a scarf 

11. Drink a gallon of water daily for a week

12.Have my palm read

13.Learn how to sew a button

14. Learn to love myself 

15.Go wine tasting 

16.Make fresh pasta

17.Learn Spanish 

18.Unplug for 48 hours 

19.Achieve my happy goal weight 

20.Ice skate

21.Fly in a helicopter 

22.Watch the sunrise

23.Hike

24.Graduate with my degree

25. Go to a movie alone

26. Read the Bible 

27.Learn archery 

28.See a musical

29.Let go of the past 

30.Meditate

31.Go see Statue of Liberty 

32.Go apple picking 

33.Find my soulmate 

Enough is enough

My heart aches tonight for Allison. She was reaching out for help for some relief from this demon of endo and these doctors did NOTHING. So this warrior, this angel took her own life. How many more of us are going to do this? How many more will it take until someone does something. This disease is not a joke. These are people's lives! Compassion is needed for chronic illnesses. Education is needed and dedication. All we need is someone to listen and hear us. I am absolutely crushed. My heart can't take any more hurt.

Hey June

What a month! I barely know what to start with.

So, next month is my hyster-versary. It's been one year already! I wish I could say I'm doing okay but with the endo possibly back and the ovary not functioning plus a cyst it's been hard to swallow it all. This time around I'm refusing surgery, I'm going to do what I can without the cutting apart my insides. My doctor described endo as cancer. He said because it grows and spreads and endo has nerves and such. So crazy to see it like that. My mental state has changed so much this past year. I'm more open with everything and I say it like it is. I won't settle for less than I deserve in life and even if it means I will fly solo forever so be it. I know what I want and if they find me they find me. I'm not looking for someone to save me, I've saved myself many times. I just want someone to be real. That's the thing about pain, it changes everything.

I will say I'm grateful to those that have stuck around and been there for me. I am lucky for that. I am also grateful to be finally getting away. I may be a little self conscious about my fat ass in a bathing suit but whatever. I won't be seeing these people after vacation and to be honest I just want to get some sun, clear my head, flirt with some cute guys, and drink. I deserve that. So this time next week I will be sunning it up.. I will say life is getting there. Some speed bumps on the way but I keep on driving over those fuckers..

Let's see how the rest of the month rolls out.. keep it classy!

The struggle continues

I haven't felt this low in a long time. I can't believe my body is trying to yet again kill me. You figure with my stomach is knots and not being able to keep much stuff down that I would be losing weight. Yesterday I had the endo bloat which resulted in me looking 7 months pregnant. I finally reached out to my doctor. Everyone always says, why don't you just go see your normal doctor, or just go to the hospital. Well let me drop this down a notch. If I go to my regular doctor she will not understand Endo and make me out to be a moron. If I go to the hospital then they will again be uneducated in the disease and just push morphine. Dr. M has helped me when I have fallen down and was giving up hope so here he comes again to sweep me up. I honestly thought after the hysterectomy that this would be the end of ally problems. I can't believe how naive I was. This stupid beast is rearing it's head and attaching itself to whatever I have left. So off I will go for yet another surgery. I am a pro at this. I know this low that I am feeling will surpass, but for right now I am just exhausted. Waving the white flag....

Mind wandering

I tell you the drive home from work was very blurry. My mind went through a million thoughts as it does pretty much daily. Yes, I have more lows than highs lately and I feel so overwhelmed. The pain I felt when I was only 22 is back. The pain when I had a uterus is back. Why? What did I do to piss someone off ? Why am I dealt the shitty hand? Obviously there is not much to be done it's something I've lived with and there is not much more they can take from me. Believe me I have faked the happy face and the brave face when the pain is so intense, when the pain feels like barbed wire shredding my insides. But lately I'm done being brave and faking that I'm okay when to be honest I'm a mess inside. I can't even pee without wanting to scream because I get sharp pains shooting down my legs. Even laying here in bed being still as a corpse and it's like someone is taking a knife and repeatedly jabbing my cul-de-sac. This pain is real. This pain is endometriosis. 

On the way home I kept saying to myself I can't do this anymore I'm just done. Then this song blared over my speakers saying please don't leave quite yet. Listen, I would never kill myself so let's take that right off the table. I'm just saying I don't know how much more I can take how much pain and hurt and loss I can take. I'm out of my mind right now begging for some relief. I'm not who I was before. Pain changes you. Pain makes you bitter and cold. Yes I'm so bipolar lately and I will slap on my I'm okay face In public but it gets old real quick. I hate you endometriosis. I want my life back, I miss being allison. I miss me.

April showers...

They say April showers bring May flowers. I hope that refers to life itself. So much going on. My doctor wants me to try to have my eggs frozen before I get my ovaries removed. So I found an amazing place and want to see how much surrogacy would be because if everything with the egg retrieval goes well then I could have my own child if the price is right. So I am looking into that as well. I love how supportive my boyfriend is and the fact that he's trying to understand endometriosis. That's a huge deal. So maybe thats my may flowers.

My April showers is just life in general. I'm the type of person that lets stupid petty things bother me. Normal people would shrug stuff like that off. I on the other hand know my worth and know how hard I work. When you feel under appreciated and fed up new opportunities come forward. Even the nicest person has their breaking points..