It has been a bit

Since my last blog post, actually, the day after, I lost my job back in August of 2021. It honestly was the second worst day of my life. The first when I lost Jeremy. It really came out of nowhere and it broke me down physically and mentally. But, fast-forward to where I am now with weekends/holidays/out at 4 pm everyday, I guess you can say things happen for a reason. It sucks the way it went down because what they did was completely wrong but I am way better not being there. 

Since being back working for the state again, I am back with my amazing therapist which has helped balance me out a bit. Relationship wise. Bill and I have been together now for 6 months and it feels like it has been forever. He is literally a blessing and I am grateful to have my chapter 2. Things aren't perfect but we are perfect for each other. 

I know I briefly talked about weight loss surgery but that is behind me. When I lost my job I had to go on state insurance, then paying out of pocket for my insurance to cover me a bit so I decided it wasn't the right time. I am trying an alternative which is being on Trulicity. It is actually a med for diabetes which thankfully I do not have but it also helps with weight loss, especially people with PCOS and Endo. It is not a cure, just merely a tool to help. I haven't weighed myself since the doctors but I have noticed small things like not being able to indulge in my love of sushi. I also don't crave anything. The biggest thing for me is fueling myself with protein as much as I can throughout the day so I am not dragging ass. So we will see how this all pans out.

So yeah, life has been well, life. I also finished my Maters Degree which through all of the many obstacles this past year and a half I have to say it is rewarding and an incredible feeling.

Inside my head

 I feel so drained lately. Life has been a struggle. I have decided to get weight loss surgery so that has taken up a lot of my mind. Work has been a struggle lately. People have taken my kindness as a weakness. They underestimate me for sure, but little do they know that I have been underestimated my entire life. I was always known in school as "Ari's sister". Even when I interviewed at the PD I was known as "her sister". Well as I stare at my degree in front of me at work it has my name on it and no one else. I struggle so much when it comes to putting my heart and soul into work. What people do not realize is I am checking my e-mail after hours, trying to make sure everything runs smoothly, I stay late and I do whatever I can. When I first started in this position I did a SWAT analysis to see what was working and what wasn't. I also knew that becoming a manager was going to be a change for me but I have learned from many of my past supervisors to know what works and what doesn't work. It is SO DIFFICULT to not fall apart. Like today, stuff on my desk was rearranged and my drink mix was missing. It may seem like no big deal but I know someone is testing me and trying to out smart me. The old Allie would probably breakdown and react. But I have gone through enough shit in my life that you can't break me. 

I am smart and I am resilient. I may not have all my ducks in a row but I have worked my ass off to get to where I am. Nothing was EVER handed to me. My parents have supported me when it comes to being there for me mentally and such but they didn't pay for my school, I did and still am. So game on. I am not the same person I was. But one thing for sure is, you touch my shit we are going to have a lot of problems. 

July 16th

A year ago my life changed. My Fiancé, Jeremy, passed away in his sleep from an accidental overdose. It was the combination of cocaine/fentanyl/alcohol that killed him. I do not know the full story and there are days that I wish I knew what happened in the moment and also there was a part of me that wished he was at my house and I could've saved him. I also wish that he would've communicated to me that he was struggling and needed help because I never saw it coming. 

When I found out that he passed away the first thing I did besides breakdown was go through my medicine cabinet to count my pills and everything was there. I just didn't understand why and I know it was an accident. The person he was when he was with me was the person I will forever be grateful for. I really thought that a year later I would be mentally drained on his anniversary but I kept myself busy. 

When it comes to grief there are a million ways of dealing with it. No ones grief is ever the same. With me, I just take what we had and think of that. I honestly wish he was still here because I will forever love that man. He will always have that place in my heart and the memories that we had will never go away. I am not mad at him or disappointed. I will forever forgive him because we all make mistakes.

I will forever love you Jeremy Patrick Cooper. 

Day in the life

As someone with a chronic illness, I figured I would give you all a little day in the life preview. On a workday I am up at 5, but to be honest I don't really get out of bed until 5:15 am. By that time the cats are hungry even though they have a full bowl of food and they are just dramatic half of the time. So they get their morning treats and I try and throw myself together. What I will say actually helps is laying out my clothes the night before so I am not trying to figure out what to wear last minute. I have a pretty good routine down but of course that can change when my endo decides to flare up like today for example. 

I hide the fact that I have these amazing dark circles under my eyes with a little tarte shape tape which is a God send!!! and my war paint aka foundation is just bare minerals. I am a very basic person. I used to not be like that at all. I would spend a good 1/2 an hour on my makeup, now, I am like cool I don't look sleepy or look like death. But I will say my hair is what I spend the most time on. The BEST hair appliance I ever splurged on was a dyson airwrap. As a former hairdresser, well still licensed, it is a game changer. I have a lot and I mean A LOT of hair so it takes me 10 minutes to give myself the perfect blowout. 

After putting my face on I sometimes make coffee. What is funny is that one day espresso is fine but the next day it can set your flare on fire. Today I went with a blueberry refresher from Dunkies with some avocado toast. Well I can tell you once I got into work my stomach started to flare. So this is a perfect picture of the raw and real version of what it is like. Luckily, I have good reliable people that I manage on my team so I will be leaving a bit early today to go home and rest. I will say rest is so important. I used to try and do it all and I would have to cancel plans with friends because I was so tired. I lost many friends along the way but it's their loss for not sticking by me. One piece of advice is listen to your body. That is so important. Your body is telling you something for a reason. I mean do I feel guilty and worthless when I listen to my body? of course. Again, I think that is why so many people have walked away from me. But I don't let those thoughts rent space in my head anymore.

On a day like today where my body is winning the fight, I will pick up some comfort food that is gentle on my poor body and put on my comfy pjs and snuggle with the cats. My wardrobe lately consists of comfy pjs lately and I am totally okay with that. There are the days where I feel like a worthless piece of garbage trust me on that. But what helps is surrounding yourself with people that understand. I don't know what i'd do without my parents, more so my mom. She has seen me at my worst so many times from literally picking me up off the floor when I was in pain, to helping me shower after surgeries because I was out of it. Family is everything. 

I am totally going off topic but this morning a coworker was talking about how thankful she was that she didn't have children because the way this world is. It really made me think that would I want this for my child? I know they would be okay to have a mom like me advocating for them but there are days that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I mean yes I really prayed to have children but I guess that wasn't in my life plan. For now I will be a cat mom and a pretty stellar Auntie.

Anyways back on track. As you can tell, every day is different when you have endometriosis. And I will leave it at that. 

Where to go from here

 It has been a minute since I have been on here. I’ve been navigating these highs and lows of grief. It will be a year in July which is hard to believe to be honest. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and I will forever be grateful that he came into my life at a time I was ready to just quit dating and get more cats. Jeremy showed me that love is possible and that not every guy is a inconsiderate douche canoe. I should really write a book about my life one day. Maybe the next best seller?

Anyways.... After two crazy years, I have FINALLY finished my Masters Degree. I may be paying this off the rest of my life but it just goes to show that I am pretty unstoppable. I had many obstacles from working full time and working a million hours at State Police to the ongoing Endo flares and Jeremy’s passing that trust me when I say this, I wanted to just say F* it and move on but where would that get me? Hopefully this will get me a very stellar job but for me, I needed this. Now I have all of this free time at which I have no idea what to really do. 

I am looking forward to taking a much needed vacation to Aruba to free my mind and recharge my batteries. I get to throw on my Fatkini and actually have time to read a book. Maybe a few books. 

And what is going on with my forever Endo? Well, I have been sucking it up. Some days I really get tired of faking and slapping on a happy face but I save my tears for when I get home and take a warmer than hell shower. I know I am putting off getting my ovaries removed and I know it has to happen sooner than later but it just really really SUCKS. I have given so much to this disease like me having children which was something I’ve always wanted and now giving the last part of who I am away. I feel like less of a woman. I am not really scared. To be honest I walked into all 7 of my surgeries without being scared and I’ve done a pretty good job taking care of myself after because I HATE to burden people and well I don’t really have any close friends.... anyways, I just feel like I don’t want to let that part of myself go. But for now I will enjoy these stabbing pains for a little while longer.

Onward..

2021

So here we are. New year, but for me it still feels like 2020. I know I briefly mentioned Jeff and I trying to work things out, but, yet again he walked away. The weird part is, I felt nothing when he told me he had to “work on himself”. I knew that I would always be at the bottom of his list and that isn’t fair at all. I am not expecting someone to make me number one, but effort goes a long way and there were too many nights I felt more alone and he didn’t seem to care. I guess I thought that maybe people could change and that he could be there for me since Jeremy passed but being with Jeremy taught me to never settle for less that what I deserve. So I am not sad or hurt about Jeff walking away, if someone wants to walk away then go. My best friend just did the same exact thing after Jeff left. So I am getting used to people walking away. This isn’t unfamiliar territory for me, trust me. 

When I was first diagnosed with Endo and went through my first couple of surgeries, plenty of people couldn’t handle it. So I relied on myself and took care of myself. I remember my first endo surgery, the guy I was dating at the time was supposed to stay with me that night, per doctors orders to make sure I was okay from the anesthesia, well he decided he couldn’t take it and went home. So yeah my track record wasn’t so great. Jeremy may have not fully understood the disease but he was patient. The worst part about this disease is I am not who I was years ago. I can’t do the things I used to do. I am a lot more tired and fatigued so that puts a damper on things. I do push my limits though. The time Jeremy wanted to go to the beach so bad and I had such a flare I was chewing on anti nausea all morning, but I knew he really wanted to go so I put on my brave face and off we went. Those are the days I will forever remember because even though the seagull ate my sandwich, those were the moments that I know that I will have again. 

I know God put him into my life for a reason and even if it takes me forever to find that person that will be patient, funny, loving and honest, I know in my heart that I will be happy with someone else. Yes it is lonely right now and the cats and my family make it a little easy. I also started my new job so there’s that. To wake up and not be anxious about working and actually feeling relaxed is a change for sure. I am very blessed and lucky. So for now it may be a little lonely for awhile but I met Jeremy at one of the darkest moments of my life, so there is hope. 

Tomorrow is never promised

A month ago, my boyfriend/fiance passed away, short of his 34th birthday. I still replay that day over in my head. I woke up to a Facebook call from his brother, I ignored it because I thought they were butt dialing me or whatever. I found it weird that Jeremy didn't text me good morning because it was about 10 and the man texted me "good morning beautiful" everyday. I then scrolled Facebook at a group popped up asking what happened in the area he lived in. Then my brain started flashing because he was supposed to take his motorcycle to work. I then called his brother and his brother told me that Jeremy had passed. I remember telling his brother that he was "f*ckin joking" but he told me that he was dead. I don't really remember much of what happened after, just me screaming and breaking down it was like my entire body just let go, I called my parents right away for them to come over, them my best friend and then my friend who is a Captain at the local police department. I wanted answers and in my head I wanted to just drive there and see him.
I made the mistake of scrolling Facebook, and people started their rumor mills which I had to put to rest. The Captain told me it was an overdose. I remember shouting on the phone " my boyfriend didn't do drugs! his excedrine migraine medicine was here!" yes he smoked pot but that was the only thing that calmed him down and we got that from a dispensary. I was so upset that people could look at him and where he lived and think yeah just another kid from the city that overdosed. It made me so angry because with Jeremy, I always had his back. There is no way my fiancé overdosed and I’ll forever say that and will forever defend him and his legacy.
I also keep remembering the night before he passed away. I wanted to make Dynamites which is a Rhode Island twist on sloppy joes. I've never made them so I thought it would be the consistancy of chili. After 4 jars of tomato paste I attempted to rescue the chili/dynamites and Jeremy goofed at me asking when the chili was done. That was how his humor was, he was a sarcastic goofball that drove me nuts from day one. After we ate I will spare the romantic details of that night, but before he left I was sitting on my couch and he leaned over the couch to kiss me and told me he would let me know when he got home. I was way too into my game when I saw a text come through that he was home. Then I saw he was online on the game that we were so damn into so I facetimed him a little bit, we texted then he went to sleep. That was the last time I heard from Jeremy.
I met Jeremy through a dating website (Match) back in the beginning of the year. I just ended a 6 month relationship that was long distance and I figured why not dip my feet into the dating pool again? before my long distance relationship I was single for years (like 5) to be exact. Anyways, this guy from my town messaged me and with online dating you have to weed through messages from some interesting people. I briefly read through the message and I was like do I really want to get involved with someone that lives in my city and is a year younger than me? I for sure was being picky but I had every right to be picky from years of mental and verbal abuse among 9 million surgeries. On a side note, it is very very challenging to have someone stick around when you explain to them you literally have no organs left in your body and that your body is trying to kill you from the inside out. So, I had to protect myself. Trust me, many people don't stick around when they realize how sick you are. But you wouldn't guess it from looking at me. Okay- getting side tracked. So I messaged him back and we talked briefly then exchanged numbers.
Jeremy was different, he was really sweet and kind. At first I did think he was a bit of a creeper because he was planning on going out for his friends birthday and we were only talking a week or two but he said I am getting a hotel room if you want to join me for the night. I was like who in the world would say that?! Granted I now know that he didn't mean it like that. The poor guy was trying so damn hard and he was not good at using his words sometimes. With my schedule it was hard to make any plans because I work nights, weekends, holidays- I'll spare you the details and lets just say I work a lot.
So the night he was going out with his friends I was off so I told him that if he drinks and needs a ride I will drive him home. That's the one thing with me. I have seen too many people die from being stupid and drinking and driving. Trust me I was young and dumb too many times. So, the night he was getting ready for this club thing he messaged me a million times trying to find a white shirt and shoes. I remember him facetiming me a million times for advice on what shirt and shoes to get. Thankfully, when it comes to men's clothing I have a slight eye for what is tasteful. When he snapped me from the hotel I was blown away at how handsome he was. I mean even when we facetimed earlier I was like this guy is hot, why would he want a homeless looking person like me with 90 cats. (I only have 2). So around like 10 that night Jeremy decided he needed to be picked up, what he didn't tell me was that he had a place to stay. Mister smooth moves over there. I had to work the next day but I always keep my word. So I threw on clothes and picked his very drunk butt up from the middle of downtown providence. This was my first time meeting him and trust me this was the first time I was picking a complete stranger up. He was a soup sandwich for sure, he smelled like cigarettes and a bar. He was so loud, and I was thinking to myself what did I just do. He came to my house and took a shower and I thought he fell in the shower but he was so drunk he was knocking everything off the sides of the tub. I kept saying to myself okay this is like only for one night. I always like to tell the story and say Jeremy drove me nuts from the beginning so as you can imagine he sure did. I won't get into the major bedroom details but the funniest part was at 0600 am when he woke me up and told me we had to be down in providence for 7 before his car got towed. After sleeping for 3 hours, you could believe I was like ready to stab him because I had to work and he was just telling me this now. So up I rose to drive him to his car. He did make me stop and he filled my tank. Which I was shocked. No one other than my parents have filled my gas tank. I dropped him off at his car. It was a good thing he didn't stay, he texted and told me some weird things that went down in his friends hotel room.
I attempted to nap before work and when I was putting my lunch into my car, Jeremy's license was on the floor of my front seat. I was like you've got to be kidding me! Again the man drove me nuts. I knew he needed his license so here I was driving to drop it off. He told me it's the yellow house across from the school. What Jeremy failed to tell me was there were SEVERAL yellow houses. Again, the man killed me dead so many times. What he also failed to tell me was this was his spare license because he got a duplicate years ago. But that was Jeremy. I could go on and tell you a million stories. Like that night when we first met and he asked me out a million times and I said no you are drunk. Those are the memories that make me laugh.
Jeremy was my everything and more. He didn't ask for much, he took my good days and my bad days and tried to understand the complexity of Endometriosis in its entirety. He was always there when I needed him. He would surprise me with flowers and cards for no reason. He loved to take over in the kitchen and we would always cook together. He was amazing to my niece and nephew and my family loved him like he was their own son. There are many memories I will keep in my heart.
Yesterday, when I started typing this, my phone rang and my ring he got me was ready. I had to send it out to be sized. Since he passed I've been hoping and praying for signs, for pretty much anything and everything. You never realize how lost and alone you feel when a piece of your heart dies. It is like your heart dies with them. What we had was private, that's what I loved most. He kept me away from family drama because he didn't want anyone on the outside to intervene. We kept the past in the past no matter what. It is sad that his family didn't really get to know me. But after Jeremy died, I crawled down that rabbit hole and I swear I had to block all that extra shit out. I wish I had a piece of him, actually I wish I had him. I have his toothbrush and clothes and small things but what I want is him.
I remember at the wake when the clergy did benediction and he was saying may he rest in eternal life and other things, I kept crying because I didn't want it to be true. Like why God? why take away the person that was my world? After everything I have been through in my life why? I didn't want to accept it. Parts of me still can't grasp that he is in Heaven. For me, the nights and mornings- actually all hours of the day are hard. You would think I am a pretty good actress because years of being in pain has taught me to fake that everything is okay. So at work I put on that fake face. As soon as I leave, the tears flow and I realize that I am going home to a house that is without him. I mean I am pretty strong and tough but this has tested my patience. I never thought I would wake up one day and he'd be gone. I mean we were looking at our dream wedding venue like a month ago because we loved how they had hot weiners at the end of the night and clamcakes which was his favorite. We were planning vacations and he passed away before his birthday.
I will say in all of this, there were so many people that reached out, people I haven't spoken to in years. I am not one to talk to anyone I usually hide but I knew I had to answer the phone and talk to people. His family may not want any part of my life and that hurt a little but I am grateful for my family and friends. Those people are far more important than the petty bullshit. Even his good friends have been so incredible.
When Jeremy passed I reached out to a medium, we spoke the night he passed and on his birthday. She said something that has resonated in my head. That he is with me more than anyone else. She also said he doesn't want me with anyone else and I had to laugh because like a month ago he told me that in a text and I said trust me no one else wants me I am happy with what I have. I may not see all the signs of him floating around my life and my heart will forever be missing him. Trust me I am all over the place as you can tell. I will always fight for him and stand by him. From the moment I met him I knew he was going to come into my life for a reason. He showed me that there are people that will love you no matter what and to be honest he set the bar so high for anyone that ever comes into my life. There is only one Jeremy and no matter what I will love him until we meet again one day.