Dating When You are Chronically ill

Dating when you have a chronic illness is not only a challenge physically but mentally. Let's just say it can be draining. Prior to my diagnosis at 22, I dated a few people. Mostly they were toxic, and some took advantage of me, but looking back at that I thought I was naive but they were the ones who were complete jerks. There were a few good ones in the mix but I had a tendency of ruining them when things got to close. There was that one guy I almost married, but he never gave me an engagement ring and cheated on me (we won't go into details), I thought that was love and it has taken me a long time to get over that.

I tried dating after the disaster 'foe' engagement/wedding/mess, but at that time I was in and out of hospitals until last year. When someone cuts open your body and you have all these scars, it really messes with your head. I have always been self conscious even when I was skinny, and I noticed that when I went on dates I may have hated the way my body looked but I faked a good smile and attempted to turn on the charm. I never made it to a second date, many of these guys all wanted sex, and when you have endo sex is the last thing on your mind because it's painful ALL of the time. Some called me fat, now mind you I did put the truth into my dating profile that I was sure not skinny.

It's mentally exhausting putting yourself out there, the plan of me being married with children slapped me in the face after my hysterectomy. They say good things come to those who wait, well I may be old and dead by that point. Just the other week, I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked someone out. I thought it was a date however they thought it was a friends thing. Here's the thing, I'm not mad at the situation, it's the fact that I stepped out of my comfort zone. I asked someone out which is something I don't do. It's not easy to make a reach like that. He was honest about what he wanted but I don't think he was really listening to what I wanted and assumed I was looking for a knight and shining armor. The thing is I've taken care of myself after my surgeries (with the help of my mom) but at the end of the day when she leaves it's me cooking and cleaning and waking up every four hours to make sure I'm above my pain level. I've taken care of myself for so long I don't need someone to take care of me. What I want is someone to take me as I am, the good and the bad, I don't need candlelight and romance, okay maybe sometimes, but I also don't need to jump into something right away. I just want to get to know someone and see where it goes. When you have  chronic illness it's hard to trust and hard to put your walls down. I'm not saying I'm giving up on dating, but I like focusing on me and if the right one comes along then that's awesome, if not I'm still doing what I do best and that's traveling the world alone and putting myself first.

One year later

Who would've thought that 33 years ago, the perfect beautiful baby girl, perfect by means of the Apgar scale, would be one year post op from yet another intensive Endometriosis surgery. My teenage years spent looking for answers, trying to figure out why no one would believe me. Trying to be silenced with birth control pills and narcotics at the age of 15. When I would go into the ER for pain management, I would be looked at like a junkie and I would be treated like a psychiatric patient each and every time. My first surgeon literally told me to get pregnant. How could I get pregnant when every time I was intimate with my partner I would cry in pain? Hey Doc, just so you know, I couldn't get pregnant even when I had a uterus! I still to this day walk past my first OBGYN's office with my middle finger up. So much time spent advocating for myself and getting a PHD in google searches. Friendships lost, losing myself, and losing the ones I thought loved me. That is the true face of endometriosis. 

There are good things about this disease, I wouldn't of met my closest friend and I wouldn't of learned how to speak up for myself. It may have taken five surgeries to figure this all out but even when 5 becomes 6 or 7, I know that I will still be typing away, trying to find a cure, advocating for those that are searching for answers. So here's to one year of still being here, still breathing, still fighting, and still being that beautiful and giving person that I always was. 

Ciao

Saying goodbye is never easy

Today was not an easy day. To make such a hard decision like putting down something you love more than anything was the most difficult thing i've had to go through, and i've been through many difficult things. Slob (pumpkin) has been there for me from day one. Not too many people can understand that. Being that I can't have children of my own, he was like my child. He was more spoiled than I was. It is going to be difficult to not wake up seeing him at the foot of my bed or having him and max beat eachother up. Life isn't easy that's for sure.

What's Happening..

Lots have happened since my last post. I finally have my Bachelor's degree. FINALLY. I have decided to continue my education and now I am getting my Master's in CJ in Public Administration. This is only because I want to make myself more marketable when apply for jobs, as well as deferring my loans ($700 a month is too much!) and well, I honestly want to reach my goals. Education is important, it's expensive but important.

After graduation I took a solo trip to Orlando. I wish I stayed down there. I could venture in all the parks and just get lost in it all. I really never wanted to come back. One aha moment I had down there was the fact that I was too hard on myself. I know my worth and I also know that I am a good person and with that said, I am not perfect by ANY means. I make mistakes more than I want to but NO one is perfect. I have just thrown all the bullshit and negativity away. It was starting to make my anxiety and depression out of control. Having to come home from work and cry and ask myself is this worth it because I was sick and tired of making mistakes. I am not sure when the switch flipped but now I toss it into the fuck it bucket and move on. I can't let that bother me any longer. Again I know my worth. What matters is I put my heart and soul into everything I do, and those that notice and understand me will agree and those that don't well, I will pray for you because Ya'll need Jesus. I am soooo DONE with people trying to tell me how to feel or make me feel guilty for being who I am or judging me. First off there is nothing to judge, everything I have surrounding me I have worked for and I was blessed and I am grateful to have. It is a sad world when you have to defend your every move. Thankfully, that aha moment I had turned that switch right off. I no longer let myself get upset over things. I just put it all in God's hands. So I guess that's what's happening. Just me doing me, getting by, keeping true friends close that have always been there for me and just living my life..


CIAO

What National Infertility Awareness Week means to me

I didn't even know that there was an awareness week for infertility. Guess I know now. Infertility means a lot to me. Right after my 30th birthday I had my hysterectomy. The admissions lady at the hospital asked if I had children and I said no. The decision was not an easy one. A few weeks prior to surgery I was going to the doctors office to have my IUD replaced and having it taken out was no big deal but when he attempted to put it back in. The pain I felt was unreal, and it lingered all day. I never swear in pain but I did and Kip kept apologizing and it wasn't't his fault. He told me then he suspected Adenomyosis, which is when there is endometriosis inside you uterus and the only solution would be a hysterectomy. He told me to think about it. I remember driving home alone with a hospital heating pad and my seat warmers on, being stuck in traffic on 95, I was trying to not vomit because the pain was so bad, and I kept crying because I figured that would help ease the pain. I told myself I never want to go through that pain ever again. So the next day I scheduled my hysterectomy.

Even though I know it came with a big price of never being able to have children, I know now that I made the right decision. It wasn't easy recovering, it was the most emotional rollercoaster there was. From not being able to look at babies without crying to suicidal thoughts. That year was a struggle. Yes the pain of the uterus trying to literally kill me is gone, but the effects of endo that remains inside my body continues daily. It isn't as severe as it was but it's enough to make you question everything.

National Infertility Awareness week means so much, it remind me that I gave up a part of my life that I can't get back. I've always wanted children, I wanted to experience having my own children. Now my only option is to adopt, which with my salary that will not happen. I do know that maybe this was in the cards for me all along. For now I will settle being a fur mama.

To eat or not to eat

The one thing that totally boggles my mind is when you have to watch what you eat. I typically eat the same things everyday and it's mostly stuff I have cooked ahead of time. Thanks to endo whatever you have been eating, even though it is the same, can just find it's way of messing up your system. We won't go into the lovely details but it is frustrating, and I can understand how women with this disease can reach their breaking points because clearly I am right there. Being up all night I started doing what I do best and read up on some things and it lead me to leaky gut syndrome or whatever it was (it was 6 am at this point). I didn't realize all the years of birth control, ib profen, Tylenol #3, naproxen, and whatever else the doctors have thrown at me could damage your intestines. It also doesn't help that part of the endo was excised from my intestines. This disease super sucks!! I have had it. Now I have to figure out what is safe besides club crackers and water. GRRR!!!

It is perfectly fine to lose your sh*t

I haven’t been having a good few weeks. Stress has taken over and so has my heartburn, endo flares, and everything else. Pretty normal for me to have a lot going on but my face is starting to break out like a 16 year old. This has only happened a few times. The first time was in high school then I went on accutane, which do not ever go on that stuff, please! It’s so bad for your body. Anyways, nothing seems to work and I’m thinking my spiroactelone that I take to balance my hormones isn’t working. I am usually pretty good at not really caring what I look like but this is killing my self esteem for sure. I have graduation in a month and my trip and combined with everything else I need a namaste moment or a one way ticket to someplace warm. I know people juggle far more worse that I do but I am allowed to lose my shit every once and a while and so is everyone else in this world. We are all normal people dealing with so many so if you have to dance it out or scream it out, go for it. I tend to put on a killer playlist or throw on my karaoke app and sing my worries away. As always in life, these days and weeks are just that, and things will be better. Well let’s hope so because my face is literally killing me here.